A speech I gave about pooping in public restrooms to my local Toastmaster's group, ToastSpot.
Many years ago, I was surprised to learn that most people feel public bathrooms are scary and unsanitary. Are you like that? You don’t have to feel this way. Below are 5 steps that will allow you to overcome any fears you have in moving your bowels when not in the privacy of your own home bathroom.
But first my credentials. I know what you’re thinking: “Everybody poops, Adam!” So what gives me the right to tell a world of fellow poopers how they can to do this better? Here is all you need to know: I ran on a team in high school. We would travel to most of our competitions, which meant several times a week I was making use of strange toilets and portajohns. I had no choice but to learn to get comfortable in going number two just about anywhere.
During those years, my friends and I developed what we call “The 5 Steps to Pooping in a Public Restroom.” These steps were set in stone over 15 years ago and they still apply today. If you follow these steps you can poop more confidently, assuring yourself a clean, safe and sanitary experience in just about any restroom.
Shall we begin?
Always always always wipe the toilet seat before placing your butt down, no matter how clean the seat looks. Just grab a few squares of TP and do a quick rub down to make sure the seat is clean of liquids and other messiness. It only takes a few seconds.
Some people feel all they need to do is put down one of those annoying seat covers, or worse, do nothing at all. Wrong! If you want to ease your mind and know you’re not sitting directly in someone else’s mess, wipe down the seat.
An added bonus: When you drop that wipe down TP into the toilet, it provides what my friends and I refer to as a “splashguard.” When you make your, uh, initial deposit, if you will, often it will create some splashback upon entry. This layer of TP significantly reduces that splashback keeping your butt dry.
“Hey, I’ve wiped the seat and it’s looking pretty good. Let’s sit down and get started!” NO! You need The Protection. You need something to provide a layer between this public seat and your butt. There are often seat covers provided, but they are not in every restroom, and I find them too crinkly and cumbersome. Instead, put down a quick layer of toilet paper. One strip of a few squares on each side of the seat, plus an optional strip along the back part of the seat and you’ve got all the coverage you need.
This is also a good moment to take a quick assessment of your toilet paper supply. Have enough to get you through the end? Great, now you’re good to sit down.
For some people, this is the most difficult part.
“People will hear me poop?”
Hey, the bathroom is there for a reason. Don’t hold back, or feel embarrassed.
After The Initial Deposit, there will always be a little down time before your next release. Some sort of reading material is recommended here. Since my friends and I wrote down these steps 15 years ago, the internet and iPhone combo have done amazing things for bathroom entertainment during this waiting process. But note that reading material is optional because the pooping will continue regardless. Also, this is a terrible time to make a phone call.
Steps 3 and 4 will repeat as necessary. But when you’re done, move on to Step 5.
After completion, you of course need to clean up. Wipe your butt! Another optional suggestion here -- if you have access to Cottonelle wet wipes, they will change your live, but perhaps that is a separate discussion. Be sure to flush. And dear God, you must wash your hands. Touch as little as possible and do not leave the bathroom until you’ve had a good rinse with soap and water.
There are certainly some customizations people can add to this process, but if you follow these 5 steps, I guarantee you will learn to be comfortable pooping in a public restroom and maybe even have an enjoyable experience.
